by Karen Miner
Murder, She Wrote is must-see TV. Always has been, always will be. Why else would I lull myself to sleep every single night (yes, really) to the goings on of Cabot Cove, Maine, in which Angela Lansbury plays murder mystery writer Jessica Fletcher (and also just happens to solve every murder ever)?
When you watch as much Murder, She Wrote as I do, you begin to feel a deep appreciation for Jessica Fletcher and all her bad-assery. While I couldn't possibly capture everything that makes her so hardcore, this should be plenty to resurrect your love for a damn good show and a damn awesome lady.
1. She became a best-selling mystery author on a lark.
Admit it — you've had J.B. Fletcher fantasies in which you are a retired English teacher from a quaint East Coast town and strike it rich with your first-ever murder mystery, The Corpse Danced at Midnight. That calls for a mic drop, my friends. But that's not her style — she just keeps cranking out best-seller after best-seller like it ain't no thang, while solving all the murders.
2. She is unequivocally smarter than every single policeman ever. EVER.
You simply do not pull the wool over Jessica Fletcher's eyes. You can try, but it doesn't behoove you. She sees all. She knows all. And she usually solves murders while sipping coffee or doing some similar inane activity. It just COMES to her. And then those policemen that were all annoyed with her meddling are forced to give her a pat on the back and eat a hearty helping of crow.
3. She has witnessed more deaths than most coroners. (This isn't necessarily a good thing, but it certainly makes her a BAMF.)
We suspend reality enough to believe that Mrs. F just happens to be in the right place at the right time ALL THE TIME. And by right place, I mean wrong place for the other guy. Because the other guy has always been murdered. Always. Let's just say that if I happened to be walking down the street and crossed paths with her, I'd be worried that I might end up dead in a ditch in the very near future.
4. She NEVER has to be the DD.
This is an ingenious move. Jess doesn't drive. She doesn't KNOW HOW to drive. She cycles. Therefore, you pick her up. You drop her off. There is never a question as to whether or not she will be the designated driver. Hats off to you, J.B. Not only do you save money in gas and car maintenance, you also save money in potential DUI penalties.
5. She is unapologetically old school.
She will not trade in her typewriter for a computer. Don't even ask — you will get scoffed at. Maybe it messes with her creative process. Maybe she likes the click-clack of the keys. Maybe she doesn't trust the evil cloud (who does?). Whatever her reason, she steadfastly refuses to make the switch to futuristic technologies like Sheriff Mort Metzger (or Metz-gah, depending on who's talking) keeps proposing. (Not that a computer helps him solve any murders without Jessica's help… just saying.)
6. She gets to hang out with an incredible cast of small-town characters on the reg.
Exhibit A: Tom Bosley as bumbling Sheriff Amos Tupper. Oh, that accent. He is full-on New Englander and it is glorious. Sure, he takes credit for the murders that Jessica solves, but everyone knows the truth. It was a sad day in Cabot Cove when he retired and Metz-gah took over. Exhibit B: Dr. Seth Hazlitt. If Doc Hazlitt was my real-life doc, I would invent reasons to see him. He is amazingly chauvinistic and misogynistic, but in that really lovable way, you know? Oh, you know. He can call you "WOMAN!" and make it all seem perfectly fine. Exhibit C: The beauty parlor ladies. Don't try to get away with any funny business in Cabot Cove. Loretta and her shop full of busy bodies will have even the most mundane gossip spread all over town before your hair is done setting. But on occasion, they provide invaluable intel to Jess when she's hot on the trail of a suspect. Exhibit D: The super suave Dennis Stanton. Former jewel thief turned insurance fraud investigator, Dennis is one smooth operator. His umbrella doubles as a weapon and a lock pick, and if that wasn't enough, he's got a British accent, so…
7. She does not give a damn when someone says they didn't like her books.
One mean comment from some unknown internet troll and I'm in bed finding comfort in a pint of ice cream and a glass (OK, a bottle) of wine. Jess? Nah. Haters gonna hate — that's her jam. This stuff slides off her like water off a duck's back. It's an enviable trait, to be sure.
In conclusion: Life goal #1 is obviously to become Jessica Fletcher. Somehow. Some way.