by Avital Norman Nathman
Shag, Marry, Kill is a game that has withstood the test of time. You just know that back in the day, folks were playing it with Plato, Socrates, and Aristotle. And so, allow us to indulge in this time-honored tradition.
It's time for Shag, Marry, Kill: TV Bob Edition
Let's meet our first three Bobs: Bob Vila, Bob Saget, and Bob Ross.
Bob Vila: Best known as the cuddly carpenter in charge of This Old House. Bob knows his way around a house and is handy with all the tools.
VERDICT: Marry. Your house would always be in working order, and anything that needed a fix would be done with the skill and expertise that only Bob Vila possesses. After all, there's no place like home.
Bob Saget: Comedian and actor Bob Saget is probably best known as the ruling patriarch of the Tanner family on Full House, but were you aware of his penchant for dirty jokes?
VERDICT: Shag. Bob Saget has that strange mixture of stern, supportive father (thanks Danny Tanner!) and dirty old man. I have a feeling that comes together for a wildly kinky time in the sheets. But I'm not sure I'd be able to stand much more than just a night (or two) of it.
Bob Ross: Perhaps my favorite of the Bobs. Bob Ross is like the living equivalent of a Xanax. Watching him paint is like taking an hour of yoga — you're left with such a peaceful, relaxed, happy feeling.
VERDICT: Kill. And the only reason I say this is because — sadly — Bob Ross is already dead. Otherwise, we'd be getting married like whoa. Because you know your house would be decorated like the inside of the fanciest dentist's office.
Spongebob Squarepants: Sure, he's porous and yellow and lives in the ocean in a house made from a pineapple. And yes, his pants are indeed square in nature. But... would you? Could you?