Shag, Marry, Kill: 'Saved By The Bell'

Shag, Marry, Kill is a game that has withstood the test of time. You just know that back in the day, folks were playing it with Plato, Socrates, and Aristotle. And so, allow us to indulge in this time-honored tradition.

It's time for Shag, Marry, Kill: Saved By The Bell Edition

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Image via Giphy

We're doing the boys and the girls this time around, so come on, Preppy, let's get started! Up first we have the boys of Bayside: Zach, Slater, and Screetch.

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Image via Giphy

Zach: The Top Dog at Bayside, Zach was the one at the center of it all. He was also essentially a teenage superhero: He had the ability to stop time with his signature "Time Out" move, consistently tricked Principal Belding, and had the hair of an angel. Plus, he was super ahead of his time and had his own, encyclopedia-sized cell phone.

Verdict: Marry. You know Zach is going places. He has the wheeling and dealing of a businessman down pat, but he was also full of heart and was there when his friends needed him the most. He'd provide a good life for you, but you'd also have to make him promise to show you how to do the whole "Time Out" thing first.

Read more: Shag, Marry, Kill: New Edition

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Image via Giphy

Screech: It's super easy to pass on by Screech. After all, he was the stereotypical dweeb of the group and his obsession with Lisa Turtle would squash any hopes of true romance with him. However, with all that nerdy potential, don't you think he probably ended up some sort of dot com bazillionaire?

Verdict: Kill. Screech was almost a contender for Marry. Unfortunately, it's hard to separate Screech from the actor who played him, Dustin Diamond. And that guy turned out to be something resembling a garbage fire. Bummer.

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Slater: Ah, AC Slater. The fiiiiiiiiine body of the group. Granted he earned his "Sexist Pig" nickname from Jessie, but boy did he ever fill out a pair of spandex...

Verdict: Shag. While I'm not sure I could stand a full-length conversation with Slater, I could stand a shag. Or two. You know that flexibility and those muscles would come in very handy.

Girl Time!

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Lisa: It's no secret that Lisa Turtle is the cutest of the bunch. Plus, she's also the best dressed at Bayside. But, she's also a daddy's girl who likes to spend all the monies (even if it is on some of the slickest '90s fashion).

Verdict: Shag. Lisa would be perfect for a night of fun, but since she most likely ended up a famous fashion designer, would she really have time for anything more with you? Plus, Screech would always be hanging around trying to peek up in your windows and who wants that creepy hassle?

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Jessie: The ranting feminist of the bunch, Jessie Spano was always the one to speak up and out for injustice. She also had some pretty awesome hair — and as a fellow curly girl — I always appreciated that. But, then there's the whole fact that she was a Debbie Downer a good chunk of the time.

Verdict: Kill. As a fellow raging feminist, I hate to do this to Jessie, but think of it more as me killing off this horrible stereotype of a character. The problem with Jessie is that they never really let her grow into being anything else besides a dour feminist (and when they did, she turned into a pill popper for an episode).

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Image via Giphy

Kelly: What's there to say about Kelly Kapowski? She was written as Zach's dream girl, but didn't she really become everyone's dream girl? She's cute, dressed in sexy garanimal style outfits, but also stood her ground when it came to Zach or any of the Bayside boys.

Verdict: Marry. Kelly Kapowski has wife written all over her. With her brood of siblings at home, you know she'd make a great mother.