by Eve Vawter
When you wear a size 12 and above, finding cute summer clothes can be a total chore. Thank goodness the fine people at your local Lane Bryant are here to help by offering you hot-weather selections that you will never want to wear, ever. If you do find yourself purchasing one of these fine garments, you may be at a loss as to where you can actually wear them. Here are my suggestions:
1: A nursing home
When you go to visit old people why not wear this saucy little number to harken back to ye olde days when ladies crocheted their own tablecloths and doilies?
Money's tight as shit these days so when you go to the store hit up the frozen hamburger section and shove some of that in your pants. These babies can hold roughly five pounds of meat and/or one small roasting chicken.
3: Outdoor summer music festival
No, no, really Sheila, you look way cool — you don't look dumb in this dress at all, it's really pretty and with it and hip. Let's go see Hootie and the Blowfish!!!!!!!!!!!
4: When you get the role as the "sassy black friend" in a hot new sitcom
Hey Zooey Deschanel, Hey Girl Heyyyyyyyy.
5: When you read that racy new summer blockbuster 50 Shades Of Grey
"The muscles in the deepest darkest part of me clench in the most delicious fashion."
6: When you're not just a businessman, you're a business... man
This one falls under "suits." I'm not sure what sort of job this lady has. Maybe she works in the Outback or at Outback Steakhouse, or maybe she is in the business of zoo keepery or maybe she works at the too-short pants factory.
7: To the dress-like-a-dalmatian party
Ain't no party like a dalmatian party 'cause a dalmatian party don't stop until the dogs go deaf because dalmatians are known to have deafness issues.
8: To a summer BBQ when you've been working out your one arm
Girl, that one arm of yours is so toned and sexy. Yeah, that other arm, you should probably keep that one hidden, but that one arm is tiiiiiiiiight.
9: To the brand new deodorant testing focus group
Did it last all day? How does it smell? No, wait, I can't tell. Is it working?
10: When you need to make people very uncomfortable
My smile is stuck. No really I can't move my mouth at all. Help meeeeee.
11. When you want to tell someone about the dream you had last night
Listen, if there's one thing that people love, it's hearing about the dream you had last night, so why not add a jaunty little necktie while doing so? Think about it, you can tell someone you know all about that CRAZY dream you had because there is nothing more interesting than hearing about some shit from someone about how they were sitting at the DMV and it was taking forever and all of the sudden a dog walked in, or about how you were swimming and naked and then Bob walked up and your mom was also there. People love nothing more than hearing boring stories, especially boring stories that didn't even happen. Or else you can buy this skinny neck scarf because you are a giant Tommy Tutone fan and you hope they make a 2016 comeback.
Lane Bryant, thanks for solving all of our summer wardrobe dilemmas.