by Laura Stokes
Dear Revenge Dioramas,
I'm a 35-year-old single woman, and I just read this article, "24 Things Women Should Stop Wearing After Age 30." Apparently the writer of the article thinks we shouldn't be wearing things like blue eyeshadow, glitter, bedazzled things, leopard prints, hoop earrings, furry things, tube tops, mini-skirts. That's, like, 90 percent of my wardrobe! What should I do? Am I dressing inappropriately for my age? Do you agree with this article? Please help!
Sartorially Anxious Dresser
OK, I am a 40-year-old married woman and here's what I think: FUCK THAT SHIT. You have a body that's yours, therefore you get to put on that body whatever you want. If you want to wear a tube top, rock that top. If you want to wear leopard prints and blue eyeshadow, go for it. If you want to wear a dress made out of moss you collected in the woods and painstakingly sewed together at midnight during a full moon, I say do a twirl for me in that moss dress, and consider me IMPRESSED.
But don't take my word for it. For all of my life guidance, I like to consider the group that ruled the earth for millions of years: THE DINOSAURS. Dinosaurs are scientifically proven to be more badass and more fashion-savvy than any current human being occupying the planet. Sorry, anyone who disagrees, THAT IS SCIENCE. So, what did the dinosaurs wear after they turned 30? Luckily we know this because dinosaurs kept excellent records, so we have photographs. I went to the Dinosaur Archives, engaged in diligent research, and I can confidently tell you: THEY WORE WHATEVER THEY FUCKING WANTED TO BECAUSE THEY WERE GODDAMN KILLER DINOSAURS. For example:
Here is a 42-year-old female triceratops — and she is wearing a pink fur dress, plenty of rhinestones, hoop earrings, and blue glitter eyeshadow. She has bedazzled her BEAK for crying out loud! And she is taking no shit — note the "FU" she's got emblazoned on her magnificent horns. She's letting us know that we can all do whatever we want, and FU to anybody who says otherwise!
Read more: Get The Look: Maude from 'Harold and Maude'
Here's another picture that is absolutely 100 percent really from millions of years ago and not in any way a plastic replica I made at my kitchen table:
This 32-year-old Tyrannosaurus Rex has the most AMAZING outfit! Leopard print tube top, hot pink tiger striped mini-skirt, and a bedazzled jawline that just about anyone in the Jurassic period would have envied. That T. Rex is killing her prey, confident in the knowledge that she is also KILLING IT in clothes she loves.
So, there you have it. Don't listen to whatever rando is writing on the Internet in 2016! Listen to the enormous mega-predators that existed millennia ago but excelled at living life to its fullest. Wear whatever you want! Crush your enemies with your enormous and razor-sharp claws! Munch on mammals confidently in your tube top in your favorite marshy swamp!