by Eve Vawter
Help! I've fallen and I can't get out up out of one of those stupid click-hole type articles about how women are making themselves look old because they are older. You know the ones, with the "10 things that make you look like an old lady" and one of these things is wearing tweed? Because tweed "looks matronly" or some other such nonsense? I'm not even going to link to the article, because you all have seen this editorial song-and-dance a million times before, and we have skewered it quite a few times on Maxma, but hell, I feel like adding to it, so here are 7 Style Choices That Make You Look Hella Old...
1: Wearing One of These
You don't have to be technically old to be a grandma — there are plenty of grandmas in their 30s. But you do have to be a little bit up there to be a great grandma, and announcing to the world that you are indeed a great grandma may age you a teeny bit. Unless you are a college-age dude wearing this, then you're just being FUNNY.
2: Wearing This
So this is all business from the back. Cute housedress. I would wear this, but whoa wait, when the person wearing this turns around you see it isn't just a housedress — it's this ageist bullshit monstrosity!!!
LOLOLOLOL, old lady bodies AMIRITE?! So not only would you look old if you wore this, you would also look like a total body-shaming flaming asshole.
3: A Cardigan That Matches Your Dress That Matches Your Teacup
I think we can all happily agree that the ladies above look lovely and they have a great sense of style, but one mistake older women make is matching their teacup to their ensembles, which can age you terribly. If the woman on the left picked a yellow teacup or perhaps a green one she would look at least 10 years younger than she is.
4: What This Here Puppet is Wearing
Sure, this puppet is amazingly sexy and attractive, but I think we can all agree the entire thing she has going on ages her a bit. Maybe lose the apron and end up losing about 10 years.
5: Makeup Based on Jane Hudson in Whatever Happened To Baby Jane
Listen, anything Bette Davis did is a total style "do," but I will be the first to admit the makeup in this film aged her a bit. If anything, she needed to add MORE makeup in order to appear younger.
6: This Apron for Smokers
Don't get me wrong, I kinda love this. Not only is it practical, but it's also so old-lady-no-FFffffffFFFFFFFs-given that it's super awesome. But it IS aging. Like, listen Gladys, if you can't have a damn smoke without lighting yourself or some other shit on fire then you can't smoke with us. Unless you wear this damn kevlar bib.
7: One of These
Granted, you don't actually wear one of these, but if you are seen in one you are either very sick or very old, both which can look ageing to a woman.
So there you go, seven more style tips about what to wear so you don't look old! Wasn't that helpful?