by Victoria Barrett
As wedding season winds down, we're preparing to purchase our last few registry gifts of the year.
Here's a curiosity about marriage: So many of the best wedding presents would also make excellent murder weapons. Some lend themselves more naturally to the cause than others, certainly, but barring dishtowels, the gift lists your friends and family send more or less requires you to become an accessory to a spouse's potential demise.
I mean, I hope they don't hurt anybody. I certainly hope they don't kill anybody. But on those inevitable days when they fantasize about their spouses meeting an untimely doom, you can take comfort that they're well-equipped.
The bride in your life has been working on her arms, purportedly for the strapless gown photos. Those deltoids are sure going to come in handy if she needs to raise that Lodge Cast-Iron Skillet above her head and swing. Makes the best cornbread, too.
Good toast is essential to honeymoon-period brunches and doubles as a great late-night snack, so don't forget the Four-Slice Toaster. And remember, your sweet niece is going to want a nice, long cord that reaches the bathtub, should her worst impulses become irresistible.
Kitchen Knife Set: Self-explanatory.
Potions 101: Even the bitterest poison tastes better in a high-protein Greek yogurt-honey-fresh fruit smoothie from a Vitamix Blender.
Don't let anyone tell you a Mandolin is anything but a medieval torture device cloaked in modern-day materials.
Garnet Hill Signature Primaloft Luxury Pillow: Because if your BFF is going to kill someone with a pillow, it might as well be the very best pillow.
Your sister can bore her partner to death by making them choose which Napkin Rings to include in a place setting.
Potions 102: A good Manhattan can disguise almost anything. Make sure your cousin has a sturdy, extra-large Stainless Steel Cocktail Shaker for the very best mixology.
Candlesticks: You've played Clue, haven't you?
Victoria Barrett's fiction and nonfiction have appeared in Glimmer Train, Salon, PANK, and other outlets. She lives and writes in a house full of men and boys (even the pets) and tries not to feel too bad about it.