by Elizabeth DeHoff
Let's get this out of the way: I'm a decade or two shy of being in the target market for As We Change (ladies undergoing The Change of Life), but they sent me a catalog anyway. Within its pages are all the things I'm apparently going to need in my twilight years. And DAMN, that's a lot of things. Scary, scary things. Some of these things are so scary that I'm starting to rethink that whole "get older" plan entirely.
1. Fake eyelids, aka Eyelid Perfector ($8.99)
Wait, I thought this was a joke from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. Apparently it's not. I guess this is for people who are scared to "go under the knife," but I'm plenty scared just looking at these blandly malevolent plastic bits of "double-sided eyelid tape." That should not be a thing.
2. Veronique Nightgown ($64-$69)
Tell your hot flashes to fuck off with this stylin', moisture-wickin' sleepwear. It features "Silky CoolMax Fabric." Don't be scared — even the hem is "gently curved"! I'm sold.
3. Boob-Dewrinkler, aka Wrinkle Reducing Decollette Pad ($29)
OH GOD MY BOOBS ARE GOING TO WRINKLE APPARENTLY. But this thing promises to dewrinkle them overnight as I sleep, presumably in my moisture-wicking hot-flash nightgown with gently curved hem, so no worries!
Read more: 8 Things I Totally Need From The Vermont Country Store
4. Foxy Fanny Silicone Padded Panty ($49)
These posterior-enhancing underthings come with both foam pads ("for a major remodel" — that description gives "She's A Brick House" new meaning) and silicone (for a "subtle lift" that feels "true to the touch") to boost your booty. I don't know whether this will help you twerk, but if you're getting this catalog, you're probably both too old and too white to twerk anyway. Side note: Apparently one of the default options for reviewers with positive things to say about this product is "Hubby Loves It!"
5. Vitamin E Suppositories for Women ($19)
I'm gonna have to take a hard pass on this one. I do like that they specify that this product is for women, and now I'm dying to know what happens if you are a man and you somehow accidentally stick one of these puppies up your ass.
6. Biofeedback Kegel Exerciser ($199)
This product looks terrifying and one of the parts is described as a "probe." Enough said.
7. Bask No. 9 Red Label Oxytocin Infused Pheromones ($189)
This stuff boasts "two of the most powerful male-attracting chemicals," so I guess aging lesbians should steer clear, because apparently one whiff of this and you'll be covered in dudes. Which begs the question: If it works, why are they only getting around to selling it to us now? I could have used this two decades ago! (Spoiler alert: I'm pretty sure it doesn't work, or they'd be charging a LOT MORE.)
8. Screaming O My Secret Vibrating Lip Balm ($12)
FYI, this is not for the lips on your face. I saw another product on the splash page for the "Discreet Vibrators" category that looked like a mascara brush, but that seems like it would be just asking for trouble. I guess this is what you buy when the aforementioned pheromones don't work?
9. Apollo Wireless 7-Function Stroker Sleeve ($38)
Apollo Wireless 7-Function Stroker Sleeve ($38): It's nice to see this older-lady catalog reach out to people with penises. That said, I'm not sure what's more disturbing about this: the assurance that it's "wireless" (how many penis electrocutions are there each year??) or its uncanny resemblance to a Dalek. Actually, if they played up the Dalek thing, they could jack up the price at least 50 percent.
None of these products makes me eager to, er, "change" (a handy euphemism for becoming An Old), and a disturbing percentage of catalog pages are devoted to products that promise to de-uglify femme folks so that they can once again say about their bodies, from no-longer-thinning hair to no-longer-crusty feet: "Hubby Loves It!" No word on whose approval you're supposed to seek if (heaven forbid) you don't have a "hubby."
They do have some cute swimsuits, though.
Elizabeth DeHoff is an Old-In-Training. Her favorite things include wine, big fluffy dogs, overthrowing the patriarchy, and not camping.