by Lyndsay Kirkham
Jennifer Mayers, a mom who seems confused about basic genital anatomy, couldn't have picked a better time to compare her daughters' vulvas to a sandwich — it's picnic season after all, and sandwiches are being unpacked from decoratively-woven baskets all over America's state park system.
To help you in crafting your ultimate summer sandwich menus, here are 10 sandwiches that look and taste nothing like my vagina (or Taylor Swift's, who by the way, could have had sex with the entire cast of Dirty Dancing and still have the vulva she was born with given that vulvas are quite like elastic bands and mostly go back to their original shape no matter what has been put in them).
1. A Reuben
This sandwich anthology can only be cracked open with the much celebrated cornerstone of American sandwich culture: The Reuben. Tucked between the freshest rye bread, mountains of the brick-red salted pastrami are piled atop feathered wisps of tart sauerkraut to make this sandwich the ultimate in deli treats. Treat yourself: add that artisanal pickle, and feel empowered to drench your meat in your favorite spiced mustard.
Read more: My Fake Boob: A Love/Hate Relationship
2. A Tuna Melt
The tuna melt is a boring basic among cafeteria crowds, but it can easily be crafted into a Next Level sandwich: add sliced shallots to your tasty tuna and pillowy mayonnaise before topping it with slices of cheddar or a fancier full-bodied Brie. Don't forget the hot sauce on this sandwich — it really makes your tuna sing.
3. A French Dip
Another essential hot option for your sandwich board is the well-loved beef dip au jus (also known as a French dip, but we will leave the linguistic nuances up to you). Ensure that your layers of hot beef are sliced as thin as a kitten's whiskers before stacking them atop a crusty French baguette. Don't forget to heat the beef juice to a centigrade below boiling — this guarantees that essential "mouth feel" sandwich chefs talk about.
4. A Grilled Cheese
Who doesn't love to curl up with Netflix and an ooey-gooey grilled cheese? Don't let memories of boring high school grilled cheese sandwich experiments haunt you; let your grilled cheese graduate to the next level with quality sourced ingredients. You want a sharp cheddar that is going to ooze right out from between your bread, drenching your face in the evidence of your munching.
5. A Sloppy Joe
If you really want to get messy (and who doesn't?) put a sloppy Joe in your mouth. For this treasure of American food culture, you want to make sure that you gently brown your meat without burning it by using a quality ketchup. Keep that meat moist. Feel free to gently grill your buns to assist in maintaining structural integrity of this sandwich. And consider wearing a bib.
6. A Peanut Butter 'Wich
Some days you just crave "the basics" and even a grilled cheese is too much for your sandwich palate. This is the perfect time to wrap your lips around a plain ol' peanut butter sandwich. Slather your peanut butter thickly and with intention. Go crunchy or smooth and feel free to let a banana slide right in. Let your lips slap unabashedly as you devour this original combination.
7. A Meatball Sub
Meatball sandwiches are often considered too big for the average sandwich wrangler, but few things satisfy more than this hearty combo of meaty balls, spicy tomato sauce, and mozzarella. Pull out your toaster oven and slip this oozing sammy under the grill for a few minutes — your mouth will thank you. Don't hold back with this sandwich. Go big. Go luscious. Go thick. The more saucy balls you can cram in between your bun, the better.
8. A Cheese and Pickle Sandwich
For the international traveller who wants to be whisked away by their sandwich selection, be sure to make a cheese and pickle sandwich on a crusty bloomer. It will be like Mr. Darcy is right there eating this English classic with you.
9. A Chickpea Salad Sandwich
We don't want to leave the desires of our vegan sandwich munchers high and dry. Try a chickpea salad sandwich! It will leave you wanting more. Mix chickpeas with mustard and vegan mayo until you have a moist, thick spread. Slice a crusty ciabatta, spreading it gently before adding a satisfying layer of vegan goodness. Feel free to toss in some roasted beets for a pop of red!
And please don't forget that even using sandwiches to slut shame people is still just that: slut shaming. Having penetrative sex is very unlikely to change the shape and nature of a woman's vulva. Talking about our child's sexual behaviors, sexual bodies, and sexualities (or those of other women) is heinous and I don't think Jesus would approve.
Enjoy your sandwiches!
Lyndsay Kirkham is a fierce feminist writer and has words in Ms. Magazine, The Establishment, Broken Pencil, The Daily Beast, Metropole, and Gender Focus, among other lovely publications. Her biggest achievement was that time that her head appeared on The View. She is really into unicorns and cats and donuts. Lyndsay is deeply committed to body acceptance, abortion-care access, and fostering friendships with other women. She's an educator, tea drinker, and likes a good shellac.