by Jess Burnquist
Husband, when you reached for the remote last night, I said, find something good. All night I have been wondering how the show Forged in Fire falls under the category of "good" for you. This is a game show in which contestants make knives and/or swords. The hosts then test the effectiveness of said weapons by cutting various things like ropes and sandbags and big fish. It's like Top Chef but with welding. Who are you really, husband?
You don't have any power tools. For about six years now I've been tempted to buy a leaf blower for you for your birthday but I don't want you to think I'm unimaginative. Our garage is not a "home forge" as the contestants of your show's sheds are referred to. Ours is more of an overstuffed closet because we're on the edge of being cast for the show Hoarders.
Are you secretly obsessed with fire? Sometimes when we can't find the lighter, you'll light the grill with a piece of paper towel held to the electric burner — how you run from the stove to the grill yelling for the kids to "get outta the way" while they watch from the couch, our fire extinguisher looming. This is as close as it gets to any of the drama of your "good" show. I truly would have preferred watching cat television.
I took some notes while we watched last night and I think it will be important to review these together during daylight hours. There is some kind of phallic worship happening — I fought the temptation to say, "That's what she said" pretty much the entire episode. In any case:
- Darling, the host has a man bun.
- The contestants are referred to as "blade-smiths." Please check our century.
- One blade-smith bemoaned his greatest desire for his workmanship, "I just want people to smile when they touch it." Sure he does.
- Upon elimination, the long-haired, beard-sporting blade-smith said, "I came here as a punk rock blade-smith and I'm leaving here as a punk rock blade-smith only with just a little more rock-and-roll in me." What does that even mean, Husband? Is he really into country, do you think?
- They name their blades.
- Thor and Poseidon
- This blade is sexy. Like my wife. I'm naming it after my wife. (Don't even look at me, Husband.)
- A contestant wore a kilt to the finale and discussed his involvement in pirate role play. Did pirates wear kilts?
- One host held up a knife and said, "Nice shape for a chopper." I thought a chopper was a motorcycle or a helicopter, but this actually makes sense.
- When the last contestant was eliminated and he was told to turn in his knife, he kissed it. A little too long.
Do you remember what you said on a commercial break, Husband? You told me that I missed the best one — the episode in which contestants got to make a Hunga Munga in their home forges. Why do you know what that is? Why did you laugh at me when I asked if it was some sort of character from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
I think you thought it was romantic when you told me that you would forge a sword for me — but my thinking is you shouldn't because if you ever reach for the remote again...