by Nina Bargiel
The only thing people like better than touching a pregnant person's belly without their permission is asking when you'll be the one with a pregnant belly to pet. Because in case Snapchat, and thinkpieces about what you shouldn't wear after the age of 35, and your parents haven't told you already: you're getting older.
So for you, dear reader:
10 Responses to When Your Parents Ask "Why Haven't You Had a Baby Yet?"
1. "I can find people to resent me without paying for college, thanks."
2. "Do you remember my adolescence? It was a goddamned nightmare. You think I'd intentionally put someone through that?"
3. "Sorry mom and dad, 'Are you having children?' is my Manchurian Candidate kill phrase."
4. "I don't need the One True Version of Real Love That Is Like No Other! I have Netflix. And wine. And the inability to truly love another human thanks to you."
5. "Did you know children are really hard to crate train?"
6. "When's the last time you asked your son this question?"
7. "My uterus is like an IKEA kitchen: for display purposes only."
8. "Kids would really cut into my selfish old crone time."
9. "I thought you didn’t want me to make the same mistakes you did."
10. "IT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS."