10 Things to Never Ever Ever Say to Someone Who Is Getting a Divorce

by Carley Moore

 Image via  Pixabay

Image via Pixabay

Listen, just because the divorce papers have been filed does not give you carte blanche to spew bad advice/inappropriate "condolences"/unwanted sympathy. Before you're tempted to do so, brush up on what NOT to say to someone getting a divorce. 

1. But what about (insert name of child, children, pet, or pets)? For example, What about little Asher? Have you thought about what this will do to him? 

 Image via  Giphy

Image via Giphy

Wow, I never even thought about our kid. Good thing you asked or I might have made this gut-wrenching, house-ruining decision without even considering him.  

Related: What about Mr. Quimby? 

 Image Via  Giphy

Image Via Giphy

I know, it's so hard on a cat, but we decided to put our own happiness before an animal's. It's selfish, but that's the kind of people we are.  

2. Who will take care of you now? 

 
                Image via  Giphy

               Image via Giphy

 

Um, I guess just me, as was always the case.  

3. You are so brave (said while staring out the window at the sunset and sipping a glass of rosé).

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Image via Giphy

Thanks, er, I guess. That's usually what you say to firefighters, soldiers, and people who you think are idiots, but yes, I'm stupid, I mean brave. 

4. I'm sorry for your loss. 

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Image via Giphy

Did somebody die? Oh wait, you mean the marriage. Yeah, that's been dead for a while.

5. Have you tried couples' therapy?

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Image via Giphy

Such a good idea! Why didn't we think of that? Oh, right, we did that for two excruciating, savings-account-destroying years.

6. What about having another kid?

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Image via Giphy

Because nothing makes an already rocky marriage more stable than the unrelenting chaos and generalized shit-storm brought on by the presence of a newborn baby.  

7. But you guys have one of the good marriages! Who will be my role model now? 

 image via  Giphy

image via Giphy

You're so right. We didn't even consider the effect our divorce would have on you. It is indeed a great tragedy (perhaps outweighing the end of our union itself) that we can no longer hold up your ideal of what constitutes a happy and healthy relationship.

8. Is he/she having an affair? 

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Image via Giphy

Why yes, she is, and I'd love to tell you all about it right here on the street in front of the food coop while everyone is listening.  

9. I never liked him/her.

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Image via Giphy

Wait, really? Do you think you might have said something about this sooner? Like maybe when you were my maid of honor or when we went on all those couples' vacations together?

10. Do you think we need a divorce? 

 Image via  Giphy

Image via Giphy

Yes, my divorce should throw all marriages into question and rock the foundations of even the most stable and healthy relationships. And yes, my pain, loss, and new-found freedom from the tired roles I used to play are all about you.

Just don't. 

 

Carley Moore is a feminist dreamer, kale lover, boot wearer, reluctant multi-tasker, writer, professor, ally, and mom. Her debut collection of essays, 13 Pills, is forthcoming from Tinderbox Editions in 2017. You can find more of her work at her website or follow her on Twitter @carleymoore2.