How to Annoy Your Spouse or Partner (Without Really Trying)

by Eve Vawter

Image via Wikipedia Commons

I'm married to a gorgeous, sexy, brilliant man who annoys the hell out of me. But that's nothing compared to how much I annoy him. One thing they don't tell you when you are taking your marriage vows or shacking up together or deciding to hang out for a few years while sharing a Netflix password is that the person with whom you decided to undertake this with will one day annoy the hell out of you. And it's kinda awesome. 

Read more: The Realities of Living Apart Together

You know that old idiom that familiarity breeds contempt that your mom or grandma declares when you bitch about how your spouse or beloved leaves the toothpaste cap off? That shit be true. SO TRUE. What you once scarcely noticed during the salad days of when you were first playing blanket monster turns into the exact thing that throws you into a rage once you have watched the same person across the kitchen table eat breakfast for years on end. Those quirky little habits you found charming in your courtship are the same things that will make you climb the walls once you've celebrated a few birthdays together. But there's something comforting about annoying someone. It means that you are comfy enough with them to let your true annoying-as-hell self shine through and that they feel the same way about you. I'm not talking about BIG annoying things your partner may do, like flirting with cocktail waitresses (and by flirting I mean passing them their cell number), but things like my own husband does, which is forget to turn his phone alarm off which signals the Sonos player to start playing BBC Radio Two which means I wake up to Robbie Williams or Oasis, even on weekends and holidays. Or the fact that when I'm annoyed by something (usually the Sonos player playing BBC Radio Two on holidays and weekends) I make this whiny-grunty-whimpering noise that drives my husband batshit. Towels left on the floor, all the K-Cups used without someone mentioning it, texting during dinners out, the plastic parts of hang tags from new clothing that don't quite make it into the trash can. These are the things long term relationships are made of, not candlelight dinners and long walks on the beach. 

We are all annoying. The trick is finding someone who is the same level of annoying as you are. That means you can slump towards your golden years with someone who is just as annoying as you are. Just maybe with your toothpaste drying out on the bathroom counter.