by Theresa Edwards
Hear that delicious sizzly sound? That's my heart, being fried to a tasty crisp with the red hot love I feel for a British octogenarian who walloped a young lady with a pack of raw bacon for trying to purse-snatch our homegirl's hard-earned cash. SSSzzzsssZZsss!
Apparently, an 86-year-old woman who we desperately, desperately hope is named something like Violet or Anais, stopped at an ATM for cash and then got her shop on, when some slag approached looking to rip her off. Vionais was like, "How dare you?!" And then baconed her repeatedly over her head until the thief stepped off. Also, she's British. British.
I thought that bacon had jumped the shark, what with all of the breathless memes about OMG BACON and artisanal bacon pedicure scrub, but that was before we understood that bacon wasn't just for being ice cool on Imgur or making your feet smell like a roadside Mennonite butchery. It's also for smacking would-be thieves upside their jerk heads with a full pound of raw pork belly. Behold, the best police blotter entry you will see this week:
Perhaps the second part of that post (since the first is THIS LADY SMACKED THIS OTHER LADY WITH BACON AND THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED) is the hashtag #BeatOffWithBacon. Once as a child I attended a church lock-in called "Get Jiggy With Jesus," and that feels like this.
Well done, person I wish was my grandmother. Well done with a side of wobbly-yolk eggs.