by Karen Miner
You know, when you're younger you're always like, "God, getting old is going to be the very worst. I will have to pay a lot of bills, and clean the cat box, and eat vegetables that taste like dirt, and fish that horribly nasty hair-muck-slime clog out of the shower drain with my bare hands, and hose down the weird blue-green poop that inexplicably shows up on the patio." And yes, you do have to do all those things as a real live adult. Also, at least once in the span of your adulthood an infant will spit up into your open mouth. That's just the way life goes. But along with all that unfun stuff, you also get a lot of perks for not being a snotty-nosed kid anymore. Among plenty of other reasons, here are some pretty exciting things to look forward to as the years go by...
1. I personally witnessed this at my dad's retirement party and I have yearned to unlock this momentous achievement ever since. #lifegoals
2. The day that I can watch Dirty Dancing through virgin eyes will be the best ever.
3. Ummmm, I don't actually think that's true...
4. You will never starve. Even if you stay alive on the linty, Kleenex-y, penny-flavored mint dust at the bottom of your purse, you will never starve.
5. See, those big purses come in handy for lots of stuff. Staving off hunger, shoplifting, winning on Let's Make a Deal...
6. And if you ever want to almost throw up, try bending over immediately after drinking wine or coffee. #instantheartburn
7. Not knowing who the Duggars are would be an immediate improvement to life.
8. Proof that rosé and pajamas are always the answer. ALWAYS.
9. But the "no peers" part probably isn't the best?
10. Is this really a thing people look forward to? "Gosh, Mildred... getting a discount on my dog's yearly licensing fee, the free fanny pack from AARP, AND hiding my own Easter eggs? Old life is the best life."
11. The only thing better? Not being at that party AT ALL.
12. I'm partial to those sexy Natualizers myself. Call me when Nike produces a stylish yet affordable orthopedic shoe.
13. You know that being compared to an 11-year-old video game is no joke. That shit is ob.so.lete.
14. Even better? Blatantly staring while eavesdropping on people because you have no fucks to give.
15. I would actually love to be woken up by Enya. That shit is calming.
Moral of the story? Don't knock this getting old business 'til you've tried it.