If you're like me, you've seen a proliferation of posts that are some variant on "I don't play Pokémon GO because I'm 36" or "I don't play Pokémon GO because I'm an adult with things to do" like write posts about how much I hate Pokémon GO instead of, I don't know, making dinner or going to work or some shit like the rest of us do in between playing Pokémon GO? Anyway, as a Person Of A Certain Age you are probably reeling under the weight of this societal censure and wondering what to do with your spare time. Here's a handy guide to what you should absolutely not be playing in the spare time you shouldn't have:
10: World of Warcraft
"Mature" ladies do nothing but talk. And nobody wants to see your actual conversation and/or roleplaying in a channel where we should be screaming about mats and noobs and Leeeeeeroy Jenkins. Also people should be able to take all their dark elf's clothes off and name her "nicebutt mctittersons" and have her run around naked without worrying whether someone will think they're gross. Get off the server.
Look, lady. Nobody cares if you grew up on Lincoln Logs and Legos. You have no idea what it takes to build and populate a world. Leave that to the young, who have an infinite zest for life, exploration, and taking the skin off cows so they turn into meatblocks.
8: Call of Duty
Who cares if you mastered cursive and shorthand, you couldn't possibly understand the nuances of communication that go into "mw3 4 ps3" and "noob noob noob stfu f off noob." Why even try to play a game when all the chat is over your poor little head? Leave the cussing to the kids and have a nice game of Scrabble, where all the letters make sense.
7: Tomb Raider
First of all, nobody plays this franchise anymore. Second of all, it was never for you. Female protagonists only exist so that men can look at them. So stop wishing you could hang from ledges like Lara Croft and just let the men look at her boobs. After all, they developed entire physics engines so the boobs could hang more realistically, the least you could do is be grateful.
6: Dungeons and Dragons
I shouldn't even have to explain why if you haven't memorized the stats for a Grue in 2nd Ed even though we're playing 5th Ed you have no business being in this game. Besides, I hear perimenopause fucks up your memory, and the ability to play and enjoy D&D is entirely dependent on memorizing every rule ever.
If you're not going to teabag your opponent's face when you win, why are you even here?
4: Candy Crush
Candy Crush and its progeny are really not even games, they're just Facebook post generators. And nobody needs more women talking on Facebook. Or ever.
By this point you should have found a husband to manage your money. No, don't argue. Clearly you just haven't met the right man yet. Are you looking? Have you tried Tinder? OKCupid? Dick pics? Look. At your age you should feel grateful for the attention.
You couldn't possibly understand the nuances of this game. Only foul-mouthed 12-year-old-boys understand the nuances of this game. You should stop right now and go order them a pizza. And some Mountain Dew. Do kids these days drink Mountain Dew?
1: Pokemon GO
It doesn't matter that Pokémon itself is old enough to drink. It doesn't matter that you grew up on it and you have a substantial amount of nostalgia. The really important thing is that nobody wants to see your aging ass walking around outside having fun when you should be dead, dead dead like Mary Adell Read Hunter. Can't you consider staying inside and playing bridge or something with the other olds?
In conclusion, basically women over 30 shouldn't play games. Except solitaire.
Rowan Beckett Grigsby is the less-censored less-palatable alter ego of an attorney who might want to work in this town again someday. Professional editor and graphic designer by day and professional knitter by night, she has been an Unchaste Reader and featured on Wordpress. Her current side hustle is yeah write and her current pet headcount is five. Six if you include her spouse.