by Eve Vawter
Listen, we all know that you should never approach a woman wearing headphones. Especially to give her the opportunity to catch a spark with you. But sometimes you absolutely MUST talk to a woman wearing headphones. The following women would really, really like to talk to you.
This woman wearing headphones is actually trapped in a vast void of white nothingness. No one has talked to her in 100 million years. If you approach her and stand with between 1 and 1.5 meters between you she would love to talk to you. Only because she wants to know the way to get the hell out of this vast white void of nothingness.
This woman. Because any man can tell that she's not listening to anything on these headphones, except the sounds of her screaming internally because the headphones are technically keeping her ears attached to her head. Once upon a time this lady got a banging new CD and she listened to it so much and at such a deafening volume that her ears started to dislocate from her head. She cannot move her hands because her ears will fall off. If you talk to her, by first gesturing from yourself to her and motioning that you would like to talk to her, she will mouth "call 9-1-1."
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This woman actually wants to talk to you. If you have a confident, easy-going smile she will remove her headphones and have sex with you.
This woman wearing headphones would like to talk to you, because you, while you smile in a friendly, confident manner, will say something like:
Hey – I know it's not normal for people to talk to someone with headphones on, but I was walking along and saw you and thought – wow, she's hot, even though she's a statue, I have to come over and say hi. I'm Dan, what’s your name statue lady?
This woman. Except this is not a woman this a is an owl figurine wearing headphones so don't talk to it, you fucking moron.