3 Skin Creams That Probably Cost More Than Your First Car

by Kristine Kimmel

Image via Pixabay; modified by Maximum Middle Age

Image via Pixabay; modified by Maximum Middle Age

You are an intelligent woman of the world, so I don't need to remind you how maddening it is to try getting a straight answer when it comes to the effectiveness of beauty products. Endless skincare and anti-aging treatments are marketed towards women in an effort to get us to spend our hard-earned bucks chasing after some magical age. Based on every ad, that age is 27.

I don't have any scientific answers here, but I do have a few ridiculously expensive offerings for you to check out, have a laugh, and then use that money to go to Cabo with your girlfriends.

1. Crème de la Mer (Limited Edition 16.5 oz.), $2,060

At this point I'm pretty sure the fake scientists at La Mer are laughing at us in their pink lab coats.

Crème de la Mer brags about having sea kelp, vitamins, and minerals. But I looked at the ingredients listed and also saw petroleum, glycerin, and alcohol. I'm not a scientist, just a girl with a bachelor's degree who took about 20 years to pay off her student loans, but I don't think I want to put those things on my face.

My advice: Buy a jar of Nivea and eat some dried seaweed from Trader Joe's and get the same exact results. I just saved you $2,057! Put that in your 401K, or buy some uncomfortable boots you'll never wear.

2. La Prairie Cellular Crème Platinum Rare (1.7 oz.), $1, 140

Aside from the fact that this product contains actual platinum, I could find no reason for the exorbitant price tag.

La Prairie is described as "an extraordinary, transformative experience," "the height of luxury," and "the pinnacle of art, science, and luxury." So, in short, it's like putting a whirlwind trip to Paris on your face. Only it costs more.

Unless you are buying the former home of Laura Ingalls Wilder, nothing should cost over $1,000 with the word "prairie" in it.

3. Cle de Peau Beaute (1.8 oz.), $795

While the bargain of the bunch at only $795, this little beauty more than makes up for it's low cost in pure pretentiousness.

Think of the immense pleasure you'll experience when your friends inquire into your amazing skin. You'll unveil your fancy-pants product like a newly acquired sparkling bauble and say, "Oh, I use Cle de Peau Beaute," in an impossibly cute French accent. You should probably buy a new red dress to go with your new face. FUCK your mortgage!*

*C’mon. You know this isn’t going to happen right? I mean, you could spread mayo from your turkey sandwich on your face and get the same results. Buy the red dress though. You look amazing in red.

Kristine Kimmel is a television comedy writer who lives in Los Angeles with her husband, her toddler twins and a very anxious pit bull. You can follow her on Twitter, or read her blog. In fact, why don't you?