Super-Easy Foolproof Steps to Becoming a Cougar
/by Eve Vawter
So you are single or recently divorced or widowed and you want to meet some hot young dude* half your age because you are a cougar. ROWR. Here is how you do this in only 50 easy steps.
1: Buy an Xbox. Young dudes love the Xbox.
2: Read Cosmo. Cougars read Cosmo.
3: Keep snacks like Cheetos around. Cheetos are young dude bait.
4: So is Mountain Dew — stock your fridge with Mountain Dew.
5: So is Taco Bell — maybe you should get a Taco Bell franchise.
6: Dye your grey hair. No hot young dude wants to see your old lady hair.
8: Tell everyone you know you are on the prowl for a hot young dude including your UPS dude. Bonus points if your UPS dude is a hot young dude.
9: Get a Playstation. Young dudes love Playstation.
10: Do not look for young dudes at Costco. They are not there like you buying paper towels.
11: Engage in outdoor activities like executing a throw up in a heaven spot.
12: Skateboard.
13: Stop being so old all the time.
14: Have a name that ends in "ie." That will make you sound sexy and young — like Kylie. So if your name is Eunice call yourself Euniceie, or if your name is Bertha call yourself 'Berthaie.'
15: Get down low and hit the quan.
16: Get some braces and headgear.
17: Be Demi Moore.
18: Hang out at the mall a lot, like by the Spencer's Gifts.
19: Three words. Contour, contour, contour. Contouring hides your old lady jowls.
20: Contour some more.
21: Stop hanging out at BINGO so much.
22: Don't try to meet young dudes at a matinee screening of The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel on a Tuesday.
23: Turn your home into a Pokéstop. Drop all the lures. It won't only attract the Pokémons but also young dudes looking for a Squirtle.
24: Volunteer at your local community college.
25: Join Tinder. Lie about your age. Use a photo of your niece.
26: Lounge around in a dressing gown with bunny fur trim and invite your pool boy in for a refreshing glass of lemonade.
27: Watch a lot of Sex And The City — they have cougars on that show.
28: Use cool terms that make you sound younger like "on fleek." Say things like, "This tuna casserole I just made is on fleek. Would you like to come over and watch Netflix?"
29: Be able to name all the Kardashians. They are young and a test to see if you can have a younger boyfriend is if you know a lot about the Kardashians, including their names. There is no Kardashian named Kindy.
30: Go to music festivals.
31: Go to more music festivals.
32: Get a breast lift before you attend these music festivals.
34: Also get Botox before you attend music festivals.
35: Keep an old copy of People Magazine lying around and when you see a young dude outside grab your magazine and run up and ask him, "Hey, what do you think about this famous celebrity lady dating someone 10 years younger than her? *wink wink*" He will get the hint and date you.
36: Bat your eyelashes at the bag boy when he carries your groceries to your car.
37: Keep in good shape. You can do this by jogging seven miles a day and eating four almonds three times a day.
38: Don't forget to moisturize!
39: When at a party with hot young people do not say things like, "Shit, I should probably schedule a mammogram."
40: Don't go #humblebragging about how much you saved on double coupon day. Young dudes hate bragging.
41: But DO brag about how you are past the age of getting pregnant.
42: If not past the age of getting pregnant get a mature form of birth control like an IUD. This will make you seem mysterious if you talk about your IUD to everyone.
43: Get a naval piercing.
44: Show off your naval piercing every chance you get. (Expect at funerals. Unless there are hot dudes at the funeral.)
45: Post an ad on Craigslist asking for young, strong men to help you clean out your mother's house when it is time to move her into assisted living. Offer to pay them in dates.
46: Use Snapchat. I am not sure how — I have never used Snapchat. But the young dudes love it.
47: Become a DJ. This will make you seem with it and dateable. But don't play only Anne Murray songs.
48: Act like Katey Sagal who played Peg Bundy in Married With Children. On that show she was a sexy old lady because she was 33.
49: Make friends with ladies who have young sons around the age of 25. Offer to babysit their sons for them.
50: Carefully apply your makeup and then add more makeup so it hides your wrinkles. You should probably add some more makeup.
*If you are a lesbian cougar wanting to meet a hot young lady I am pretty sure basically none of these tips will work. Sorry.