Friday Open Thread: What Have You Kept Locked up Longer Than Brock Turner?

by Theresa Edwards


Welcome to Friday, Olds. Moreover, welcome to Friday's open thread, where we try to keep things lighthearted. That's why we traditionally talk about fluffy shit like Kool-Aid chicken and how sucky fireworks are (real sucky). Today, though, it's kinda hard to be lighthearted, because of a flaming fucktacular asscactus named Brock Turner.

Wittle Bwockie is getting out of prison today after serving half of his already laughably short sentence of six months, which he received for felony sexual assault. See, it had to be short because Brock is a Very Talented Swimmer with a Super Bright Future, and anything less than three months of easy time is for people who are not rich and more specifically not white, like Brian Banks, who was wrongfully convicted of rape but I guess rightfully convicted of not being A White Guy Who Has Demonstrably Actually Raped A Woman And Is Having A Whole Lot of Trouble Eating Steak Now.  

So yeah, it's hard to have a laugh. And why should we? Rape isn't funny. Light sentences for rapists aren't funny, and our broken racist justice system sucks too. 

Read more: Hey White Women, The Attack Against Leslie Jones Means You Need To Collect Your Men

But here's the other thing. Survivors visit this site, and some of us help run it. And I would like to laugh today, because it feels a lot better than the alternative, and I bet some of you would too. And if anyone deserves our mocking, scornful laughter it is confirmed barrel of lanced anal pustules Brock Turner.

But how?

Well, as MaxMA's social media editor, I spend literal buttloads of time on social media, which is where I came across this beautiful tweet:


And the absurdity of it is funny, and it got all of us thinking. What do you have, in your home RIGHT NOW, that has spent more time in a confined space than Brock Fucking Turner? Here's what we got:


This piece of wrinkly ginger, 4 months.


And these Peeps, 6 long months old, STILL less disgusting than Brock Turner.



This package of tortillas in my crisper that was best by March 1. Estimated time of possession: 7 months.



This UNOPENED bottle of Ibuprofen that expired in April of 2013. 3 years.



These two snack chip bags and a King Size Kit Kat wrapper. 3 months.



These delicious fried pork products with a sell-by date of September 9, 2015.


So, now it's up to you. Go look in your glove compartment. Check your crisper. That one drawer next to the sink. What do you have that's been confined longer than Brock Turner?

Don't want to laugh? Rage instead. Consider this open thread to be your emotions dumpster, and put whatever you want into it, whether it's a picture of last year's pumpkin spice creamer or a GIF with every single middle finger. 

P.S: Fuck Brock Turner.

P.P.S: Every two minutes, another American is sexually assaulted. If you need help, or know someone who does, please call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit You don't need to go through this alone.

P.P.P.S: Fuck Brock Turner.